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Shadow Boxing

How many days have I lost?

A hundred or more already. A few recently. The thing with it is that when the bell rings you have no way of winning but by lasting the fight. No sense in becoming the aggressor and belting out your strongest punches hoping for a quick knockout. The enemy expects you to pour it out in the opening and so he slides back and dances around waiting to exhaust you. But he is ready to go the distance and see you drop in the end. These bouts are never four-rounders. They come in sprints and they wear you down.

But I've been learning. I've been learning not to force the issue and try to win them all. It's humbling you know -- to admit that you can't even control your self much more your own body. I've learned that the more you try to fight back, the more harm it can cause you. Lose this battle so that you can win the war. We are each given our own battles and the victory starts by claiming this battle as my own. It can't be too bad; the difficulty is in the beginning and we get through the sleepless nights. Come, I shan't do so badly.

Other people have it easy. What they strive to reach or what they long to gain are outside them or even beyond them. It's a matter of getting there and lasting the unforgiving days. It cannot be too far. What they need is an object in front of them, clear, distinct and known. And we all know that once it is known, it shall always be there for the taking. Yet my battle has long ceased to be a battle from without; it is a struggle that has the labyrinth of the mind as its playground and the abyss of the self as the opponent. It slips your fingers whenever you try to grasp it, it hides in the dark recesses whenever you try to see it. You can never catch yourself just as the dog can never catch its own tail. You can only be patient and bear those terrible days and dead nights. You can only throw the towel and hope for another chance.

What am I saying here? No, this is not an apology or a request to be understood. I did not lose those days with the intention of seeking pity or care. I lost them intentionally and I wouldn't have done it any other way. Those days bare the soul open and you see that there is nothing inside. That is comfort enough, a comfort that most will never experience and thus never enjoy.


  1. this is the most personal entry you've ever posted. it's good to finally hear you bare out your heart in your blog.

    labas tayo minsan. kwentuhan. inuman. text lang.


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