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Waiting, Staying, Leaving



I am still waiting.

And I have been doing so for a long time already. It's not that I am just passing the time. Actually, there is no time for somebody who waits. Time stops for a heart that longs the arrival of the event, the coming of that which it anticipates. Everything is postponed for there is no present to speak of. There is no "now" in which I can feel at home nor dwell as I am delivered to inhabit in a future which has not yet come. I am no longer "here," as I have long ago displaced myself to a there which has not been found. And the one that is left here and now is just a ghost of myself. This is why I have been stuck in the moment.

But not without reason. I continue to stay because this is what is asked of me. I have to dwell on this path even if it has long come to an end. But I have to be faithful. I have to stick it out in order to know the destiny this path chose for me. There is reason in this. And it can only be seen if I stay long enough for its truth to finally show. It will take time. And that is all that I can offer to a world which takes everything away from you so that it can give it back--new, complete--to you. On this path I have learned the meaning of resiliency, knowing how to hold on and at the same time how to let go. Above all, I stay for I may never pass this way again. And that is enough consolation even in the darkest sleepless nights.

For I know that I cannot wait and stay here forever. Actually, I've left this hell of hopelessness already. I am already elsewhere. And I am flying. I have understood that this moment does not define me. I am something else already. I no longer am what I am. I am what I am not. I am the future that I await as I have surrendered this present. And this is what Sartre saw as absurd--that we never are what we are now. Camus, too, says "Man is the only being which refuses to be what he is." Because this cannot be all of what I am. What is here and now, what is actual, what constitutes my present being, although undeniably real, cannot be my whole truth. Actuality--what I am here and now--never encompasses a man. Possibility does.

Marion says:

...I am not according to the measure of my actuality, but rather of my possibility; if I had to remain in the actual state in which I am for a long time, I would of course be what I am, but it would be right to consider me as "dead"; in order to be the one that I am, it is instead necessary for me to open a possibility to become other than I am, to postpone myself into the future, not to persist in my present state of being, but to alter myself into another state of being; in short, in order to be the one that I am, I must be as possibility, and thus as the possibility of being otherwise.
This is why it is necessary that I both stay and leave. I stay in this moment because I have to wait and nothing can be done but to wait. Yet I leave because I am other than this moment, I am called to go elsewhere and become otherwise, and finally, because who I am is still in the horizon. And by exposing myself to the horizon of future possibilities I no longer have to stay stuck in this aporia. For the true life which is absent is coming.

This enlightenment of staying and leaving, of being and being otherwise than being, and becoming the man I will become, all these, were made possible because I waited. This is the shining of the clearing itself. This is the Lichtung.

There is truth in the saying that they also serve those who stand and wait. Now I can finally see.

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