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Showing posts from January, 2008

Condemned to Be Alone

a


Zarathustra's Seven Solitudes

Choosing solitude. (Evasion of the mind; the world is vain.)
Growing weary of it. (Mind is vain; the indifferent world is the enemy.)
Seeking love to banish the pain of being alone. (Love is pain doubled though shared.)
Discovering that amidst love--or precisely because of it--one is still alone. (Confusion; the beginning of a renunciation without hope.)
Accepting solitude as one's crushing fate.Retreating into it. (Head bowed, cheek blushing, the dark welcomes back its prodigal child.)Praising and glorifying solitude.
As I always say: Just when I knew the answer, they change the question.



30

Pagmamalabis ng Pag-ibig

Para kay Thunder Girl



IPAGPATAWAD MO
Vic Sotto


Ipagpatawad mo, aking kapangahasan
Binibini ko, sana'y maintindihan
Alam kong kailan lang tayo nagkatagpo
Ngunit parang sa 'yo, ayaw nang lumayo
Ipagtawad mo, ako ma'y naguguluhan

'Di ka masisi na ako ay pagtakhan
'Di na dapat ako pagtiwalaan
Alam kong kailan lang tayo nagkatagpo
Ngunit parang sa 'yo, ayaw nang lumayo
Ipagpatawad mo, minahal kita agad

Minahal kita agad
Minahal kita agad
Ipagpatawad mo

(Minahal kita, aah)
(Kay tagal-tagal aah)
Sana nama'y ipagpatawad mo
Ang malabis na kabilisan ko
Ngunit ang lahat ng ito'y totoo


***

Bakit humihingi ng kapatawaran ang mangingibig?

Madalas, dahil sa isang kasalanang nagawa sa iniibig. Mas madalas pa, ang kasalanang ito'y nagdulot ng sakit o kapamahakan sa kanya. O sa isang salita, dahil nasaktan ang iniibig.

Ngunit, kailangang tanungin kung bakit sasaktan ng isang mangingibig ang kanyang iniibig? Dahil para bagang taliwas ito sa mismong galaw ng pag-ibig--ang makasakit. Sa lahat,…

The Denial of the "No"

for yvaughn



I forget who it was but he was a great artist or poet. If it is not Leonardo Da Vinci, it most certainly would have to be Lord Byron. His was a tortured genius as he was frequented by depression all his life. But in those rare periods when his creativity was unleashed from its deathly slumber, and when he was able to work--and did he work!--he said something that struck me: "Remember that it hasn't always been this way."

I guess that poignantly marks the retrospective gaze of depression. Retrospective because, gratefully, depression comes and depression goes. It is then in such a respite (ceasefire?) between its coming and going that you can gather your self, rebuild yourself, and sadly, prepare yourself for its return. That I expect depression to come over and over again is not pessimism on my part or merely some lack of faith. It is the law of my body, perhaps a bad gene, an unfortunate oversight or a simple mistake. Whose mistake? No matter. They are all the…

A "Fun" Excerpt From My Thesis

Affirmation and Denial of the Will to Live:
Schopenhauer’s Suicide, Genius and the Saint

My philosophy shows the metaphysical foundation of justice and the love of mankind, and points to the goal which these virtues necessarily lead, where they are practiced in perfection. At the same time it is candid in confessing that a man must turn his back upon the world, and that the denial of the will to live is the way of redemption. --Schopenhauer[1]
If the world is a world of suffering because of the infinite will to live of all beings, then, like the Eightfold Path, there are ways to end such suffering. The key, according to Schopenhauer, will have to lay in confronting the will to live itself: taking a stand against it, determining a new relationship with it or ultimately annihilating it. If Being is the will that underlies all phenomena, then to confront, determine and annihilate the will…

How I Got My Groove Back

They said it was all about accepting. They were quite right.

A little more than a year ago, I sustained the final blows that sent me to the canvas. To boot, it started in Christmas.

Now, of course, the great thing about final blows is that they are final--as final as a priest's final vows. It couldn't get any worse, you're back's broke already and nothing can hurt you anymore. But you do not know that when you're reeling on the floor.

You only have one question in mind when you know you are in the eye of depression's storm: How do I last this out?

I was never bereft of experiences when my resiliency was challenged (and overcome) or when my faith was shaken (and taken away). If we are supposed to count our blessings instead of sheep, one of the blessings I thank for is that I've been through the best of time and the worst of times. Best = rich + young + happy. Worst = Best - [(rich + young + happy) + (God + love + job)].

Really, when you've seen your pathetic…

Untested Miscellany Because I've Been Busy (Right!)

REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE.



1. The beauty of drinking over lunch in a mall: You get the drinking that was supposed to be done at night anyway over and done with--so that when you wake up at night you can work while everyone else drinks. After all, I'm sleepy the whole day; so might as well take that to its logical conclusion. And the best part: other people lunching in their power suits looking at you while there you are at the corner of the restaurant downing beers, smoking and having hot soup. One of those times I'm proud of being unemployed.








30

Rejection's Lessons

What does not kill me can only make me stronger.
NIETZSCHE




Gladly, I've been rejected many times.

In love and in the pursuits of the mind. In work and in the search for success. In faith and in my wrestlings with the God.

To be rejected in love is as easy as to be rejected in work. I am either to good or too bad for her that I admire and the work that I aspire. More often than not it's too bad that I never am able to show how good I am before she turns down my offer by nipping love's flower at the bud. It is the same thing in work for rejection comes early like the snobbery of a lady who refuses the drink you sent: your credentials speak for you and they judge you by that as one judges a book by its cover or better, as one judges love's possibility by the face you sport or the money you carry.

Well, at least you know clearly from the lady you are courting or the boss you are sweet-talking that you're out of her league or that you're a weak link for the company; it i…

Desperate Hope: A Phenomenology

For Mae Ann


It is the stillest words that bring on the storm.
Thoughts that come on doves' feet guide the world.
NIETZSCHE



WHAT IS HOPE?

Initially and for the most part, to hope is to wish. When I say that I hope that. . . , I then usually mean that I would like. . . to happen. Such a wish for something to happen is the wanting for something unreal to be made real: because wishing can no longer be wishing if it did not wish for something yet unreal to be made real lest it merely be an empty (declarative) statement. Hope as wishing then exposes itself as nothing other than an experience of lack. I do not have. . . , and so I hope or wish that I have it. At bottom, wishful hope is also hopeful will, that is to say, I will something to happen.

The ambiguity of such a hopeful willing is that in its experience of a lack it also knows what would particularly fill up that lack and occupy that emptied space. In the first place…