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Walls

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So the walls crumbled again. Why am I so weak? Why can't this decision hold the fort or stay its ground?--or just protect me, this king in the kingdom of woes, and make me sane finally.

Because decisions to hold yourself back are counterintuitive. Love cannot be held back. That's asking too much from yourself. Like wanting to look without wanting to see.

Yes, that's it then. It's because I see her. Very well. Let's not see her!

Double trouble: in hiding, in stealing away from her, you only fan the flames instead of extinguishing it. Because that's when they become perfect: idealized far beyond the necessary flaws which you conveniently miss in daydreams. Is not love more fantastic when she's ideal and perfect? That is, when she is the perfect idol?

How to shatter this beautiful idol? What hammer can I use when I verily cannot even touch her and break my distance? What tuning fork could sound out the hollowness of her silence? Of course I can just ruin her image in my mind, like smudging the dark colors of a painting, and magnify her imperfections. (There are many dark tones, I won't have any difficulty.) Then those around me will agree: yes, she's bad news; no, she's not the one; maybe you're still hurting. Such great friends. They make me smile.

My problem is my heart's honest. Never mind the mind; it's crafty and wicked. But there's no fooling the heart like there's no fooling the eyes. The mind interprets what it sees by what it wants to (or should) see. The eyes just see. The heart just knows what it sees without the medium of comfortable interpretations.

So what do I see and know? I see someone beautiful. I know that I am attracted to her. But I think this will not go anywhere.

Is this last knowledge, the knowledge of the mind, this thought however important? Most of the time, no.

The other, last important knowledge: her admission, her consent, her allowance.

She didn't even give me a chance.



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Comments

  1. felise7/22/2008

    Who's this about? *Raises an eyebrow*

    ReplyDelete
  2. it's for me to know and for you to find out. *wink*

    ReplyDelete

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