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How True Love Became an Error

A Genealogy of Guilt

1. Love. With love comes supposed happiness and, on its tail, not very far back, contentment--that for and of which we both aspire and fear. We aspire being content because one cannot go hungry eternally; we fear it because when we are always full, our appetite grows and that which had filled us all too suddenly becomes--untasty. (Boredom, the beginning of looking beyond the immediate, beyond the present lover--a dangerous scanning.)

2. Desire. What precedes love and now what follows it--in this case the desire for an other. Since we only desire that which we do not have--and they are desirable precisely because they are distant--we begin to desire what is no longer allowed for us because of a commitment, a vow, a promise, a great hope. And what happens to a desire which cannot proceed outwardly?--it begins to turn inward, eats your insides, grows a conscience only for you to go against it, to debate and quarrel with it, to hate it--you begin to hate yourself. The more you hate yourself for not being able to give in to your desire, in the same proportion and strength, the more you desire what is forbidden: enter obsession. (Tricky position: you already have a lover but you still may love another: What an absurd occasion! Excuse: Maybe it was not supposed to be him in the first place. Illusion: that you had a control of time, of when things appear, of knowing the difference between a "right time" and a "wrong time"--that you were a god! You shall never know--and you don't have to because desire has no time, abides with no rules, and ultimately is ignorant.)

3. Unfaithfulness. Temptation too strong. No one will know. Repetition, because no one still knows. And finally: guilt, because I know.


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