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What One Deserves

What does one do in order to get what he deserves? Is everything a matter of chance and luck, or does the world balance fates and lives, an invisible balance sheet as reference, absolute power in reserve, justice and equality its law. 

Nobody gets what he wants, they say, and that we only get what we give or deserve. I would be happy with that economic exchange, actually: there is equality, fairness, and a clear logic to it--and what are we without understanding? But that rarely occurs. I see dear ones suffering and, to my finite understanding, I am not aware of them hurting anyone. How does a teenager earn that? What did they do? Now, of course, we're smart people. We don't ask such questions whose answers we will never receive nor understand even if we do.

If I take a look at my life, I would not be able to say whether I won the lottery by luck or I earned the blessings I have. I'm afraid to answer that, to explain what I received and rationalize my condition. What I do know however, what I am certain of, is that I have been given much, well, too much, and there should be reason why that happened. Darn reason, there it goes again. All I know is that even if I am not able to express my gratitude as much I want or need to, I always thank people for what they have given me. I also know that these must be given anew--literally. Gifts given, always in excess and never deserved, are best received when they teach you how to also give. 

--But not to give back: we never are able to pay for what we are given, and to do so means pompously and without humility having to earn it again (retrospectively), and that is to cancel the gift as gift. To "pay it forward" means that I simply transfer gifts from hand to hand--I never owned it, I never wanted it.--When the point was to give even if you never received anything, or didn't have to, or even when you couldn't. To give from the innermost resources of one's heart without return or transfer, that is, without reason--always undeserved, never justified.


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